I have a confession to make: I'm a quitter. My past is littered with ambitious projects that ultimately never got off the ground. Mutilated first chapters of short stories, edited relentlessly and then shoved away in disgust. Huge piles of rubber stamps, which somehow never assembled themselves into Hallmark-quality greeting cards. Nature journals, ripped to shreds after my first feeble attempts to sketch a cardinal. I approach ideas with great zeal: I make lists, spend days or weeks assembling information, and then organizing it in a pleasing way. I clear a spot in my day and in my office to work, pick up a tool, and then freeze. You see, I'm a perfectionist, and it's really, really difficult for a perfectionist to see a flawed output. I feel overwhelmed, or disgusted with my initial scribblings. In my mind, I know that it's rare to try something new and be instantly great at it. I know that "practice makes perfect." But it's hard to break old habits, even though that my photography, my quilting, my sewing, my writing, and all other hobbies are seriously affected by my inability to get better through real practice and learning.
Enter watercolors. I've always loved their look, but my little efforts have looked like something created in an elementary school art class. However, the desire to learn and practice perseverance has been growing for several years, and I decided to put it into practice by taking an online watercolor class.
I hated it.
I was terrible at mixing colors. I added too much, or not enough water. My teardrops looked like circles, and my straight lines were fat and uneven. "You should just donate these supplies," I told myself, but every few days, I picked up my brushes with resignation and submitted to another class. After a couple of weeks, I was shocked to see that my leaf shapes were starting to look like leaves!
before and after
"Let's make a peony, step by step," the instructor said, and suddenly my feeble splotches started to assemble themselves into something recognizable.
It wasn't perfect, or even close. But it's something that I COULD NOT DO three weeks ago.
I still dread watercolor lessons, because it's a constant struggle against my discouraged - and discouraging - inner voice. But I'm doing it anyway. My goal this year is to EMBRACE BEING AVERAGE.
(The classes are free on youtube: Jenna Rainey)
Even my knitting has been affected by perfectionism. I'd start a project and work for a while, get hung up on a technique or a less-than-desired output, and ball it up. I frogged so many old projects last year, but this year, I really wanted to keep it going. Kate Davies' Funchal Moebius was a great project for this. FIFTY-FIVE INCHES of tube-shaped stranded knitting. "Your tension is off! It's going to be puckered!!" my inner voice shouted, but I doggedly kept knitting round after round. When the monotony got to me, I picked up another - very quick - project: a bulky-weight hat for a friend.
It was really nice to go from two skeins of skinny, fiddly yarn to one big, thick strand. I finished it in two days...
...and went right back to Funchal Moebius. Perseverance!!
And...it's finished.
All fifty-five inches! All I need to do is join the two open ends together. I shrank back yesterday from such a complicated graft, but I knew it was my old perfectionist demon poking: "That is never going to be a tidy, even join. It's going to be bulky and obvious." I set daily mini-goals for this: today, I will prep it for joining and do a few stitches. Tomorrow, I'll do another few inches of join. Repeat, repeat. No hurry and no bother if it's clunky. Baby steps! Every time I complete something, regardless of the quality, it's a huge victory for me. I've already started another project:
It's a warm worsted-weight shawl (Almina on Ravelry). The pattern is challenging, but not too challenging. I splurged on some delicious, pillowy-soft Malabrigo Rios yarn in a silvery colorway that has subtle lavender highlights. It's such a joy to work with! Note to self: when I decide to go grey, subtle lavender highlights are a must.
It's cold here, but no real snow yet. We'll get an occasional dusting...
...but it will be gone in a few hours. The pumpkins have started to crack in the constant freeze-thaw cycle, but it looks beautiful.
Claudia is as fat and wriggling as a grub worm from her extra winter feedings. Sometimes she slips into the barn with us while I pack orders, usually settling into an inconvenient place. She's so sweet, though, that I can't be too irritated!
She's got a cushy set-up in our garage for nighttime, too.
It's been so quiet outside. The front pond is frozen and I haven't seen any minks or muskrats. I spotted a rabbit feeding last week in the very early hours...
...but our outdoor activity right now is pretty much birds and only birds!
We're hunkering down, working on the business, keeping our two indoor cats separated with an unwieldy system of baby gates, and enjoying cozy nights by the fire. It's been a pretty nice year so far. It turns out that low expectations + embracing your average-ness = a less stressful life!
Have a great week!
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